Don't Look Any Further
by DaniPayson
Summary: This was a story I wrote over a decade ago that I wanted to share. Post Orison just a thought I had that isn't really canon


Don't Look Any Further

As I crawled on the floor towards my gun, all I could feel was his hands around my neck. Cutting off oxygen to my brain and the darkness that came with it. My head being slammed into the mirror, and the glass shattering all around me. The anger and the pain. I didn't want to just cut his face; I wanted to rip his eyes out.

What brought that out of me, anger I had never before felt, I did not know; but as I lifted myself up and removed the gag, grabbing my weapon and exiting the bedroom my heart began to race as my head throbbed and I saw him standing there, with that evil smarmy grin and I felt as if someone else was instructing me to lift my arm, and pull the trigger back.

One shot

The lights

Because his face was disgusting me

I missed

I shot again, this time making contact and watching as the lights shattered like fireworks. I shot at the lights again, creating more of a spark, and in those lights, I could see him looking down at me, and for an instant I saw every incarnation of the devil we had drilled into our young minds in Sunday school. My eyes locked with his and I pulled again. One shot right between the eyes.

He went down faster than I expected him to, and when he was no longer in my view that's when I saw another pair of eyes looking at me. Gun drawn and eyes frozen on what was before him. As if awakening from a daze I stood there and fired again.

Mulder called 911.

I left the room.

I went into the bathroom, and saw the candles. So many candles, dripping wax onto the linoleum. The tub full of bubbles completing what would look like a romantic scene out of a movie, unfortunately their purpose was for anything but romance. I placed my gun on the sink and did all I could to avoid the reflection in the mirror.

"You shouldn't be in here." Mulder said from the door.

I turned slowly to face him, still unable to speak I simply nodded and he backed out of the doorway and let me pass. I could hear him letting the water out of the tub and blowing out the candles. Forever my protector. I just wish he had showed up sooner.

Avoiding the living room, I went to the kitchen and sat at the table. The sun was shining but I wanted none of it. Darkness. All I wanted was the dark.

Mulder found me, a wet washcloth in his hand as he leaned before me and began to wipe my face, like a mother cleaning dirt off a child who had been busy playing in the mud.

"Luckily it stopped bleeding." He said as he looked into my eyes while wiping my upper lip.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to thank him, but my eyes refused to wet and my lips refused to form words.

He seemed to understand and when he was done he turned and went back to the bathroom, obviously to discard the washcloth. But within mere seconds he was back, standing before me. Forever my protector.

We didn't speak, well he didn't, I still lacked the ability to un-paralyze my mouth. We were obviously waiting for the police to arrive. What would I tell them? Could I tell them? This escaped serial killer broke into my home, hid in my closet and attacked me. Tied me up and was going to do to me what he had done to so many others. I could still feel his hands on my throat and his breath on my neck as he uttered 'you were the one who got away.' Reliving it felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. My eyes closed and I fell over, basically doing a front horrible summersault off the chair. I was lucky I didn't land on my head, instead I fell into a ball on the floor and just lay there. Of course, Mulder was beside me in an instant. The floor was cold, but felt better than sitting upright. He asked if I was ok and I gave him a small nod, the best I could manage given my position, and this is where I wanted to stay. He left me for a moment, but returned with a blanket he wrapped around my still body. I closed my eyes and let the cold tile numb my face. Maybe if I numbed it, I would stop feeling Pfasters hands on it.

He didn't leave. Mulder sat down on the tile next to me, his hand stroking my hair in a rhythm that felt so comforting I felt my eyelids growing heavy, but every time I closed my eyes I saw Pfasters' face, so I kept them open and just let him do what he could to comfort me when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and disappear from the world.

Eventually the knock on the door came and I knew I'd have to get up. Mulder helped and eased me back into the hard wood chair, the blanket still covering my shaking body. I let him do the talking, given I clearly lacked the ability. I tried to be strong, I really did, but once I saw his eyes looking at me, the helpless shock of a man who witnessed a murder, I felt my inner walls caving in. I closed my eyes as I listened to Mulder tell his side of the story and directed the officers to my bedroom which looked like a tornado had come through it. I heard a camera go off a few times, then eventually the sound of a stretcher being wheeled in and a couple of men mumbling that the creep got what he deserved.

"Scully." I heard Mulder say in close proximity.

I opened my eyes and he was standing before me.

"They need your gun."

This I knew. They knew I killed him, I knew I killed him, but they needed the gun anyway. I looked towards the bathroom where I had left it, and Mulder nodded and turned away to retrieve the murder weapon.

I sighed and looked down at the tile.

"Self defense." Another voice I didn't know said.

I looked back up to see a young officer looking down at me. He gave me a small smile, "You had to defend yourself."

I nodded again. Still unable to form words or even a small smile.

"You'll get it back by tomorrow." Mulder said as he approached me then looked at the cop, "She's in too much shock, can she give you her statement later?"

The cop nodded, "I understand." He then looked directly at me, "Is everything your partner said exactly what happened?"

I nodded, not hearing what Mulder had said, but knowing he wouldn't do anything to hurt me.

"Looks by the book to me. Simple self defense. No use putting her through any more hell. It's clear the lunatic came here for one thing and one thing only."

Mulder nodded, "He would have surely killed her."

It was then that I heard it. His voice cracked when he said 'killed her.' As if someone had punched him in the stomach as he said it.

Forever my protector was in as much pain as I was.

I couldn't be here anymore. Getting up I pushed past them all and went into the bathroom. Slamming the door behind me and locking it. He had done away with the water in the tub and the candles were nowhere to be seen. It looked like my bathroom again, but the reflection in the mirror was anything but me. The gag was still around my throat and I needed that gone. The pajamas would eventually be burned. This place I called my home was now my hell and I didn't want to be here anymore. I turned and left the bathroom, walking to my bedroom. The bookcase overturned and bits of broken mirror everywhere. The window was open. I didn't want to feel it. I didn't want the sunshine and I didn't want fresh air. I quickly closed it. Tossing the blanket on the bed as Mulder entered the bedroom. As if he could read my mind he told me to get some items together so we could get out of here. We. My protector was leading me out of the gates of hell.

I nodded and opened the drawer of my bureau, expecting to find a change of clothes and instead I found my bible. The one I kept on the chest before my bed was now locked away in a drawer. Sighing I just held onto it. Questioning all that had recently transpired.

Once again as if he was reading my mind Mulder shook his head, "You can't judge yourself."

I knew he cared, or he wouldn't have been here, but he also knew me well enough to know I would judge myself as I would judge any one who killed another in cold blood. I moved to the bed, sitting down and looking at the book in my hands. At last feeling the muscles in my face began to move "Maybe I don't have to." Were the first words I was able to utter.

"The bible allows for vengeance." Mulder continued, trying as much as could to protect me from myself. He leaned closer, only inches away, "The way I see it, he didn't give you a choice." So very close, "And my report will reflect that."

Sigh, always about the job.

"In case you were worried." He finished.

I didn't want to think about filing a report. Forever being the woman who killed Donnie Pfaster. I didn't want to be known as the woman who killed anyone. That's not who I was.

"Donnie Pfaster would have surely killed again if given the chance." He continued to try to reassure me, as if he was trying to ease the guilt and destroy the walls I had built up. I knew this was true, but it didn't change how I felt.

"He was evil, Mulder." I told him, as if telling him the sky was blue, "I was sure of that without a doubt." And I was. "But there's one thing that I'm not sure of."

"What's that?" He asked, and it felt like he was closer than he was earlier.

"Who was at work in me?" I finally let out the fear I felt before pulling that trigger, "Or what…" I feared more. "What made me…" the pain to the gut returned, but I fought it, not letting it take me down again with the image of the bullet between Pfaster's eyes, swallowing hard I continued, "What made me pull the trigger?"

"You mean if it was God?" Mulder questioned in that way he always questioned anything dealing with a higher power.

Trying not to feel insulted by his attitude towards religion, I composed myself and continued, "I mean…what if it wasn't?"

I didn't expect an answer, and I didn't get one. He simply looked away and walked to the closet. Pulling out an overnight bag, "I'll take you to my place. You need your rest."

Nodding I went back to the bureau and collected some items, if they matched, if they didn't, they just went in the bag. They were clean at least. This couldn't be said about the near-death shroud I was currently wearing.

"I need to change." I told Mulder as he waited by the bed

He nodded and left the room closing the door behind him.

Maybe it was good the mirror was broken, then I wouldn't have to see the image staring back at me and continue to question my actions. After unbuttoning the never to be worn again top and putting on a bra, I pulled on a while ribbed turtleneck, hoping to hide the bruises that would eventually form around my neck, but as I felt the fabric close around my neck I instantly felt suffocated, the neck of the sweater felt like his hands all over again and in my frantic inability to breathe I had trouble taking it off. I began to scream and within seconds he was there helping me pull the turtleneck up over my head as I pulled at the neck stretching it for life and after I was free from its death grip I threw it across the room never wanting to look at it again.

I closed my eyes until my breathing regulated itself. Upon opening them I could see Mulder still standing before me, his face full of confusion.

"Are you sure you're ok?"

I swallowed hard and gave a small nod, "I think I'll be forgoing turtlenecks for a while."

"Probably a good idea." Mulder nodded, "But I'd rather not leave you alone, just in case any other clothing wants to attack you."

He said a joke, but not in his usual manner. Like he was trying to not insult me but felt he had to say it anyway. I understood I knew him well enough. I knew him as much as I knew myself.

"And I've already seen you naked. Nothing new." He continued.

I gave him a smile for that at least, trying to lighten the mood was what Mulder was best at. Protecting me from the not so distant memories with jokes.

Going for a V neck navy blue sweater and jeans I tossed the soon to be charcoal pajamas on the floor of my bedroom. It was already trashed; the pajamas wouldn't hurt the situation. After putting on my tennis shoes we left the bedroom. By now the cops were gone and there was a red stain on my living room rug.

"Don't look." Mulder said upon catching my eyes already on the stain, "We can get it out. You won't be reminded."

"I'll always be reminded." I replied.

My sister died on this floor. And since then I had thought her spirit was with me in this apartment, protecting me. Sadly, in another case of belief, I was wrong.

I grabbed the keys off the table by the door and followed him out of the apartment.

It took twenty minutes to get to his place. I knew this drive in my sleep, but it seemed to take so much longer on this particular day. We didn't speak the entire way, as I held onto my bible and now questioned my own belief in our heavenly father.

"Take the bed." Mulder said as he closed the apartment door behind me. "I'll catch a few zzs on the couch before heading down to give Skinner my report."

I nodded and walked towards the bedroom. It still confused me. For years the man lived on the couch and I didn't even know he had a bedroom and then out of nowhere, he had a waterbed and after that leaked, he now had a regular bed, but Mulder with a bed was still hard to comprehend. The mirror on the ceiling…well, in all honesty that part didn't surprise me in the least.

The bed wasn't made, not that I expected it to be and for that I was actually comforted. An unmade bed felt welcoming as strange as that seemed. Taking off my shoes and placing my bag on the floor I crawled onto the bed and lay my head on the soft pillow. Inhaling the essence of it, a mixture of Gain and Mulder, the latter being the comfort I needed as I closed my eyes.

There he was again.

His beady eyes, his evil grin staring down at me. I felt him pushing my body down into cold water, I was screaming for help as water began to fill my mouth and lungs. His image getting distorted as the water above rippled and I screamed unheard cries.

"SCULLY!" I heard through the waves, sounding so far away.

"SCULLY!" It came again, clearer now, but still sounding as if I was in a tunnel.

"WAKE UP!" The voice was clearly Mulder's and as I opened my eyes his hands were on my arms and my hands were wrapped around my own throat.

Those eyes.

Those sometimes hazel, sometimes green, puppy dog eyes wild in fright were looking directly at me. I began to feel my body shake, the fear returning, and as I looked at him I blinked and as I blinked my eyes began to wet and as they wet the tears began to fall; fall like I only remembered them falling once before. In an instant my hands went from my neck to his, and I dropped my head onto his chest and let the tears flow; sobbing heavily onto his grey sweatshirt.

As I held onto his neck, my nails digging into his skin, I felt him gently kiss the top of my head and then rest his chin upon it. I closed my eyes tighter and let the tears continue to fall. His arms moved to my back and he pulled me closer, tighter, as if he would never let me go. The horror and pain I felt only moments earlier began to melt away within his embrace and I felt I could stay in this moment forever. I gripped harder to his neck as the tears continued to soak his clothing.

I don't know how long we sat there, in the middle of his unmade bed, but eventually the tears stopped and he continued to hold me. I sighed in his arms, relishing in the warmth and comfort he gave me and as my mind began to clear I began to come to terms with what had happened to me and what was happening to me in this moment; in this instance.

"Mulder?" I muttered into his sweater.

He mumbled a reply I felt against my head as he continued to rest his own on mine.

I swallowed hard, getting up the courage to utter the words on my mind and the feelings deep inside and in this moment, I knew exactly where I was in this point in my life and what I needed from only one man.

"Make love to me." I was able to finally say.

The reaction wasn't what I expected, his grip around me tightened. "What?" escaped his lips, his breath hot against my scalp.

I knew I didn't have to repeat myself, "You heard me."

His head lifted from mine and he parted from our embrace. I was looking down at his thighs as he lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him.

"You've been through a terrible ordeal. You don't know what you're saying."

"Yes, I do." I said locking eyes with his, "I just finally had the courage to say it."

Mulder shook his head, "If we cross this line, there's no going back."

"Maybe I don't want to go back. My entire existence has been in fear of the unknown. I've never really taken a chance on anything. I want to take a chance on this. On us."

Mulder closed his eyes and looked down, continuing to shake his head, "I don't want to take advantage of you. And I don't want to be something you regret later."

"I won't." I said, blinking back the impending tears, "I need you."

Maybe that was the key, because as he raised his head, his eyes meeting mine, I could see his eyes were damp, his own tears beginning to form as he looked at me, "I need you too." He said his voice cracking, "I always have. The thought of some psychopath taking you from me…" his voice trailed off and he looked away.

I placed my hands on his cheeks, and turned his face to mine. Looking him deeply in the eyes, I swallowed my fears and said it again, "Make love to me."

His eyes closed as he brought his hands to my face, they opened again and his lips were only inches away from mine. Slowly they moved closer and I waited patiently for the connection. When it came it was like a bomb went off inside of me. Nothing like the kiss on New Years Eve, this one was hungry and needy. His lips parted as I melted into him, causing mine to part as well as my hands returned to his neck, pulling him closer as our lips parted and our tongues danced a dance they seemed to know by instinct alone.

His hands left my face and moved slowly down the side of my body, then under my shirt and up to my breasts. It was almost as if I could feel my bruises healing with his touch. He groaned into my mouth upon finding my bra and I couldn't help but giggle at his urgency to touch me in places he hadn't yet explored.

Not wanting to part from his tender lips, but feeling I had I returned my hand to his face gently pushing him away. He looked like a lost puppy as I continued to gaze into his eyes. Eyes I knew so well and behind them so much pain. In life we shared the losses of fathers and sisters and I knew in this instance this man was the only man I would be with for the rest of my existence and there was nothing he wouldn't do for me or me for him.

I didn't want to cry again, even through the tears wanted to flow. Instead I quickly removed my shirt exposing myself even more so to this man before me.

As if he was a hungry, I had to honestly think it, fox, Mulder pushed me down onto the bed, as he pushed me down my head hit the pillow, his lips and mouth so much hungrier than before as his hands went to my back quickly unclasping the barrier between his hands and my breasts. After unclasping, he pulled the fabric away from my chest and I started to think about investing in strapless bras as I wrestled the straps off my arms. After being freed from all upper torso clothing, Mulder parted, gazing down at me. His face turned solemn as he obviously noticed the numerous bruises on my upper body. He closed his eyes for a moment and just shook his head, his fingers running gently down my chest.

"I just wish I could take all the pain away." He said in a tone I had only heard on the rarest of occasions. 

"I know you do." I replied in a similar tone, my back arching slowly as he traced the lines of my ribs.

"I'll never let any one hurt you again"

Even though I knew it was a promise he couldn't keep, I appreciated the sentiment.

"I know you won't" I replied needing more than his gentle touch.

And with that reply he leaned down and began to softly kiss me, his lips moving downwards, seeming to kiss every bruise forming on my body, and as he moved further down my need grew. As my back arched, my hands went to his head, pulling at his hair, urging him to move faster to where I needed him most.

What felt like hours later his fingers eventually moved to my jeans, slowly unbuttoning them and moving the zipper down ever so slowly as he looked at me with a devilish grin.

"After this, there's no going back…" He warned, but knew the answer.

"SHUT UP MULDER" I yelled, gripping the grey cotton sheets under me afraid I'd explode from his touch alone.

He snickered and moved his hands under the denim fabric, and slowly but methodically began to remove the intrusive clothing from my withering body. After he pulled them off I realized how naked I was and how very dressed he was. Anxious and needy I sat up and grabbed his arm, pulling him closer. My hands fumbling at the belt of his jeans he actually began to laugh at at my inability to unbuckle the damn thing.

Looking up, my eyes narrowed in on his; even though I knew I would not stop this, I wanted him to at least believe there was a chance. Apparently, that was enough and he placed his hands over mine, guiding them to correctly unbuckle the belt leaving just the button and zipper, which I was easily able to undo. As I pulled the jeans down he quickly removed his sweatshirt and t shirt, and then pulled the jeans the rest of the way off, stepping out of them and tossing them next to mine on the floor. Now that we were equal in the minimal clothing department, he returned to the end of the bed, sitting on his knees looking down at me. No words needing to be spoken he parted my legs and eased his body between them, keeping his eyes on mine as he lowered himself on top of me. His hands returning to my face he pushed my hair back behind my ears and I pushed my pelvis into his; now knowing I wasn't the only one who desired this. Even through fabric I could feel his hardness pressing into me and his desire only heightened mine.

"You have no idea how much I've dreamed of this." He said to me, his voice low.

I swallowed and bit my lower lip, the pain from the cut increasing, but I didn't care, I simply nodded, "Me too."

"Then why didn't we…" He questioned.

"We were afraid." I replied, figuring our answers had to be the same.

"You're not afraid anymore?"

"No." I said, bringing my hands to his neck, "Not anymore." I pulled his lips to mine and continued the kiss from earlier as his hands moved down, pulling off his boxer shorts and tossing them aside, my tongue pushed deeper inside as I felt his hands on my panties, struggling to get them off as I pushed myself against him.

He groaned loudly and I heard the fabric rip and leave my body; not letting my mind wonder for a moment which pair they were, just glad they were gone. As his fingers teased my clit I moaned into him, pushing hard into his hand as his tongue explored more of my mouth. My hands moved to his ass, and gripped hard, pleading with him to fuck me. Words I hadn't even thought, let alone used since college, proving just how badly I needed him inside of me. And as I felt his cock slowly enter me, my legs parting wider, begging him to enter deeper with each thrust, I felt the tears begin again. But they weren't tears of pain, or sadness, but of release. The release I needed, to be one with this man and only this man. My chest began to shake as the tears fell and his lips parted from mine.

"You're crying." He said, not moving.

I nodded and covered my eyes with my hands, trying to wipe the tears away as quickly as they fell "I know."

"You weren't ready." He said softly, stopping his rhythmic moves, and dropping his head on my chest.

"No." I protested, taking his head in my hands and lifting it to meet mine, "I'm letting go. I'm closing a chapter of my life, letting go of the pain, I need this. I need you to help me move to the next stage in my life. With you."

The smile I loved returned and so did his lips to mine. The tears continued to fall but I let them because they needed to, and as we made love I looked up, the mirror above the bed showing me exactly what I needed to see; our bodies together. I wrapped my legs around his thighs and dug my heels into his ass, watching the reaction his body made sent a rush through my own and I let out a small giggle. He didn't react, he was too busy focusing on what I needed from him and as I felt the rush of release coming, my muscles tightened around him, my heels dug deeper and my nails dug into his back as the final release I needed came. My cries were loud and I honestly hoped every one of his neighbors heard me, just to prove what this great man was capable of. Mere seconds later he came as well and as his body shook I held it tightly to me; his breathing heavy against my skin.

The line had been crossed.

There was no turning back.

Pushing himself up on his arms, Mulder looked down at me, his eyes seemed different now, or maybe I was just seeing him differently.

"Do you regret it?" He asked, not in a joking matter.

"No." I replied softly licking my lips, "Never."

And then he smiled again. He removed his body from mine and lay beside me on his side as he placed an arm around me and pulled my body against him, my back against his chest his arm holding me tight.

We didn't speak, nor did we need to and as I felt him breathing into my ear, my eyes began to close and I drifted off to sleep.

"Scully." I heard softly in my ear.

Afraid everything had been a dream I opened my eyes, to find myself still in Mulder's bed, lying on my side facing him.

"Hi." I replied not really knowing what answer to give him.

"Hi." He said back.

We were now under the covers, which he must have done because I didn't remember getting under them myself and his head was resting on the other pillow.

"Any nightmares?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No." I replied, "Not anymore."

Mulder smiled and shifted a bit, "Guess you really did need me."

"Always." I said softly, "We crossed the line, there's no going back."

"I never liked that line anyway. I've been tripping over it for seven years."

He made me smile, but the smile quickly faded, "If anyone finds out they'll separate us."

"No one will find out." Mulder said, "I've been pretty good at hiding my feelings for you. I can keep it going."

"But it's different now."

"Not completely." He sighed and brushed a strand of loose hair away from my face, "It will probably just be harder to hide now."

"Well you better, because I can't live without you."

He nodded and looked up, "Now you know how I feel."

Sighing he sat up, "I heard the answering machine go off twice now. Skinner wants my report about what happened."

Being reminded about what happened to me was not what I needed, but I had to come to terms with it. Nodding I sat up as well and as the sheet fell I could clearly see the bruises on my body. Closing my eyes tight and biting my lip the tears came again and instantly Mulder had me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around him and the tears kept falling against his soft skin.

"They'll heal." Mulder said as he brushed my hair with his fingers, "They'll heal and you'll forget everything that happened."

I wanted to believe him, but I knew the images wouldn't leave my mind entirely. In time, they would, but for now I just wanted to stay in this moment within in his loving embrace forever. He let go and looked down at me, "I think the best thing for you to do is go into work, file your report of what happened so you can move on."

I nodded and wiped my eyes, "Move on."

He nodded, "So we can move on."

I looked up and nodded again, my chin quivering as I looked up into his eyes. "So, we can move on." I repeated his words.

He smiled and nodded as well.

We dressed quickly and I did what I could with my hair, bits of mirror still mixed within the strands, before leaving his apartment and returning to the office. Everything looked different now, everything felt different. And as we went down to the office we had shared for the last seven years – give or take months doing grunt work – even that felt different.

Mulder sat before his computer and began to type

"Dana?" I heard Skinner say behind me as I stood in front of the desk.

I turned to face him and apparently my appearance shocked him a bit.

"How are you?" He asked.

"I'm ok." I replied.

"Did you get some rest?" He continued.

I nodded, "Some much needed rest."

I heard Mulder's fingers stop typing for an instant and felt a new power around him.

"May I have a word with you, please, about what transpired this morning?" Skinner asked cautiously.

I nodded. Eager to get this over with.

"Ok, I'll be waiting upstairs."

I nodded and after Skinner left I turned to Mulder, his face focused on the computer screen. It took him a moment to notice I was standing there looking down at him and his fingers continued to type away as he looked up at me.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I finally understand." I replied.

"Understand what?"

"Don't look any further." I gave a small chuckle, "I now understand what the song really meant."

Mulder smiled in return and nodded, "I'll be waiting."

I nodded as well and left the office. As I approached the elevator and pressed the button I let out a sigh. We would remain professional, this probably wouldn't happen very often, but in that moment, I needed him. I needed him to care about me and I needed him to love me. Both emotionally and physically. It was a hurdle I had always wondered if we would make it past, the rumors around the bureau about us had been started long ago, but I never thought about being with Mulder until that moment in his bed, with his arms around me, when a feeling of great need came over me that I knew we had to take that final step. And now that we had, I felt …complete.

I'd always been told that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and sometimes you have to survive horrible events to see what really matters. I now knew what really mattered and where my future lay.

The elevator doors opened and as I entered I felt my own being entering a new world of possibilities. The fear of giving my heart and soul to another was gone, the fear I would lose him to another woman, no more. It wasn't perfect, I knew there would still be fighting and bumps along the way, but things were different now.

And as the doors closed I felt the doors of the past closing as well.

Don't look any further.


End file.
